


oft gefragt

by dollseyes



Category: The Bright Sessions (Podcast)
Genre: Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:48:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23112712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dollseyes/pseuds/dollseyes
Summary: Siblings are important and I wanted to think about some important siblings (aka the Bryants).
Relationships: Joan Bright & Mark Bryant, Joan Bright/Jackson Crawford, Mark Bryant/Alex Chen/Oliver Ritz
Comments: 8
Kudos: 9





	oft gefragt

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics and title are from the song "Oft gefragt" (often asked) by AnnenMayKantereit. I love this song and band so much, please listen to it, I'm begging you.  
> Bold-original lyrics + Eng translation  
> Italics-pre-canon  
> standard-during & post canon

**Du hast mich angezogen, ausgezogen, großgezogen** **  
** **You have dressed me, undressed me, raised me**

_ “Joanie stop!” _

_ Mark struggled out of his sister’s grasp, but she caught him by the wrist and pulled him back. _

_ “You have to wear a shirt to church Mark.” _

_ “But I don’t want to!” _

_ He tried to pull away again, but his sister was older and bigger and stronger. It wasn’t fair. She always treated him like a baby. He wasn’t a baby. _

_ “We both need to look good for grandpa’s funeral.” _

_ “But I didn’t like grandpa!” _

_ “Mark...please.” _

_ He frowned and settled, letting her finish buttoning up the itchy starchy shirt that chafed at his skin. She then pulled a black coat onto him, much too small and she gave him a look of pity as she buttoned it. Then she reached for the ties hanging off the door. _

_ “No tie.” _

_ “Mark--” _

_ “No tie!” _

_ Joan sighed and dug around in his closet. Mark took the opportunity to put the length of the room between them, with the bed in the middle. She turned and gave him a frustrated look. _

_ “Mark, get over here.” _

_ “No tie Joanie! I hate ties! Mom ties them too tight. They choke me.” He could already feel it closing around his throat. The feeling brought tears to his eyes. Which was stupid. Because only babies cry. _

_ “How about this one?” Joan held one in front of her. It looked just like all the other ones that he had. _

_ “No ties.” _

_ “Look, this one won’t choke you, see? It has a clip.” _

_ Sure enough, it had a little metal piece on the back and no part that would wrap around his neck. _

_ He let his sister approach him. She clipped it onto his shirt and it was heavy, but it didn’t hurt or make his chest hurt. _

_ “That okay?” _

_ “Yeah,” he sniffled. Joanie wiped his cheeks with the sleeve of her black dress. _

_ “Hey, I love you, Mark Shark.” _

_ “I love you too, Joanie Bologna.” _

_ “Are you two ready?” Their mother from the other room. _

Mark’s suit is too loose. He can’t remember the last time he wore one. College graduation maybe?

His reflection in the mirror looks uncomfortable. He tightens his tie so that it hugs tightly to his neck.

Joan appears and her cheeks are dry but her eyes are red. Not an unusual sight the past few days. She puts on a smile when she sees him watching.

“I’m fine.”

He doesn’t push. He also doesn’t push her away when she comes to fix his tie. The knot is askew somehow, even though he had spent a good ten minutes trying to get it just right. She loosens it a bit from his neck, slipping two fingers in to measure the distance.

Then she slides her hands down his jacket, smoothing out any stray wrinkles. She keeps doing it, focusing on some invisible imperfection. He grabs her nervous hands and holds them in his own.

Mark is struck by how much shorter she is than him now. He can easily wrap her up and smother her. So he does.

“Hey, I love you Joanie Bologna.”

She laughs at the childish nickname and Mark thinks its the first time she’s laughed in a while.

“I love you too, Mark Shark.”

“Are you two ready?” Sam calls from the doorway.

**Und wir sind umgezogen, ich hab dich angelogen** **  
** **And we have moved, and I have lied to you**

_ “Mark did you take my Ramones shirt?” _

_ “No!” _

_ “I can’t find it in my boxes, and I swear I packed it. I thought maybe you might have seen it when you were taping everything up.” _

_ “Can’t say I did. Are we done? I was in the middle of something.” _

_ “Wait, no tell me how your day was.” _

_ “Fine.” _

_ “Is that all I get? Fine?” _

_ “My. day. Was. fine. How was yours?” _

_ “A little sad, being this far from home. Strange seeing my stuff in a different place.” _

_ “Well you should’ve just gone to school here. Then you wouldn’t be so far away.” _

_ “You know I had to get out. I need to see the world a bit.” _

_ “But you left  _ me _ here.” _

_ It comes out more whiny than he intended. But he missed his sister. _

_ “I’ll be back for Thanksgiving. It’ll be here before you know it, I promise.” _

_ “It’s not the same.” _

_ “I know, but you can always call me if you want to talk. I gave you the number, right?” _

_ “Yeah.” _

_ “Good. I miss you, Mark Shark.” _

_ “I miss you too, Joanie Bologna.” _

“You are a goddamn liar.”

“Good morning to you too, Joanie.”

“I saw your post on Instagram this morning. Sam showed me.”

“That traitor.”

“You did take my Ramones shirt. You still have it!”

“Yeah, well I think after this many years it’s really  _ my _ Ramones shirt now isn’t it?”

“That is not how this works!”

“Okay, then can I get back my Beatles shirt? Or the Carpenters one?”

“I - no, those are my most comfortable shirts.”

“Then I suppose we are at an impass.”

“I suppose we are.”

There is a soft pause in the conversation.

“When - when are you coming back to Boston?”

“I’ll be back next month, I think. Can’t miss Thanksgiving.”

“I’ll count on it.”

“Miss you, Joanie Bologna.”

“Miss you too, Mark Shark.”

**Ich nehme keine Drogen** **  
** **I don’t take any drugs** **  
** **Und in der Schule war ich auch** **  
** **And I went to school**

_ The door to the precinct slammed shut behind them and Mark buried his hands deep in to his pockets, staring at Joan’s back as she walked brisquely towards the car. She clicked the button on the keys and climbed inside all without looking at him. Mark ducked into the passenger side and tried not to wince when she slammed the door closed. _

_ When she backed out of her spot, she drove quickly, in sharp jerky movements. On the road out, she stared straight ahead. Mark wished she would say something, or put the radio on, or tap her fingers against the wheel, anything to break the silence so he didn’t have to. _

_ But she just stared down the road ahead. _

_ “I wasn’t high.” _

_ Silence. _

_ “I wasn’t high. I didn’t - I wouldn’t. Not with that many people I don’t know. Not without knowing whether they were - you know, like me. I’m not that stupid. I just - I wasn’t high.” _

_ “Then why were you carrying that much on you? If you aren’t that stupid.” _

_ “That was - I was holding it for…” he trailed off. _

_ “Oh good, you do hear how stupid that sounds. How absolutely reckless you were. You are so so lucky they didn’t file a report. And it’s a goddamned miracle that you had it in your head to call me and not mom and dad.” _

_ “They probably would just let me rot in there,” Mark said softly. _

_ He could see Joan’s arms go slack, see her posture slump ever so slightly. _

_ Then she was pulling off to the side of the road, into the parking lot of an empty gas station and turning her entire body to face him. _

_ “Look at me, Mark,” she said, her voice firm. _

_ When he did, he could see that her eyes were moist. _

_ “It’s you and me, okay? Always. No matter what. You are my baby brother and even though I get mad at you for doing brainless shit like this, I love you, okay? And I will always come when you call. You know that right?” _

_ Mark nodded, wiping his own cheeks. _

_ “I know.” _

Joan woke up to the sound of her cell ringing on the bedside table. Her hand fumbled for a moment before her fingers caught on it.

“Hello? Mark?”

“Joanie-can you-can you come pick me up?”

She sat up and rubbed her eyes. He sounded drunk, which was ...unsurprising, but still disappointing.

“Where are you?”

“I’m at-I’m not sure, can’t you do the-the uh, tracky-thing. On the phone? The app thing that Sam-”

“Yeah, yeah, I can. I’ll see you in a bit, okay?”

“Yeah.”

Joan pulled a sweatshirt over her pajama shirt and slipped on some sneakers and hopped in her car, following the directions her phone gave her to find Mark.

He was sitting on the curb outside a bar that Joan wanted to say had seen better days, but in all truth, looked like it had opened as a shitty dive bar and had stuck with that business model.

For his part, Mark looked reasonably sloshed. It took him a moment to recognize her car when it pulled up, but the look of joy and relief there was genuine, unadulterated.

“Joanie Bologna,” he said as she opened the door for him and he stumbled in.

“Hey Mark Shark,” she said, protecting his head from bumping against the doorframe, and then taking a moment to buckle him in.

“You came. I didn’t think you would come.”

“Of course I came, Mark. You’re my brother. I’m not going to leave you out here.”

“I thought you’d be angry. That I was drinking again. Even though I promised.”

“I am angry, but we can talk about that later, when you’re sober, okay?”

“Okay.” He leaned his head against the window and watched the world pass outside, a blur of lights and sound.

“I love you Joanie. You know that, right?”

“I know Mark.”

**Du hast dich oft gefragt, was mich zerreißt** **  
** **You asked yourself what was tearing me apart** **  
** **Ich wollte nicht, dass du es weißt** **  
** **I didn’t want you to know**

_ Mark unzipped his bookbag and turned it upside down, its contents spilling onto the floor. Pens and pencils and markers and marker lids flew everywhere, all over his carpet. He knew his mother would yell at him for making his room a mess again, but he had to find it. He grabbed wildly at the papers on the floor, looking through them frantically. He knew he had it. He had done it. He just had to find it, to prove that he had done it. _

Goodness Mark, why aren’t you more organized, like your sister? Joan never loses anything.

_ There was a knock at his door. _

_ “Mark? I have apple slices and peanut butter.” _

_ “Go away Joanie!” _

_ “Mark, what’s wrong?” _

_ “I said, go away!” _

_ He threw one of the markers at the door and it left a big orange stain running down the white paint. _

_ “Mark? What’s wrong?” _

_ “Nothing! I can figure it out on my own! I don’t need your help all the time.” _

_ She didn’t answer, but she also didn’t step away from the door and leave. _

_ “Mark? Can I come in?” _

_ He didn’t answer. He was just going to ignore her, and then maybe she’d go away, leave him alone for once. _

_ But she didn’t. _

_ Instead she said, “I’m going to come in, okay? We can figure this out.” _

_ His door opened and his sister peeked inside. She brought with her a plate with the promised apple slices, which she set on his bed, a relatively clear surface. _

_ “What are you looking for?” _

_ “My colored map. For geography. I couldn’t find it at school today. But I did it. I didn’t forget.” _

_ Joanie put her hands on her hips in her signature get-things-done pose. _

_ “Well, let’s go through them all then, okay?” _

_ She sat cross-legged beside him and together they collected all the papers into one pile, and she took the time to smooth them out from the crumpled balls they were. _

_ He found the map sandwiched between pages in his math notebook, flat and crisp. _

_ “Found it!” _

_ Joanie looked at him and smiled. _

_ “Wonderful. Now do you want a folder to put all this in?” _

_ “I have one,” he said, showing her the beat up paper folder his teacher had provided. It was thick with papers and loose pages of notes and doodles. _

_ “How about we get you a couple more? That way, you can separate by classes.” _

_ Mark nodded and Joanie disappeared into her room, bringing back a collection of plastic folders and sharpies. His parents never let him near sharpies. _

_ “I thought I could write the class names on it, and then you could do some sketches. Maybe if you actually like the folders, you will like using them.” _

_ Mark nodded. Why hadn’t he thought of that? He was so stupid. _

_ He frowned and watched Joanie print his class names nicely on the front of the folders in black sharpie. Her handwriting was so nice, and his was so ugly. _

_ She looked up to see him watching. “Is this okay?” _

_ “Yeah,” he said, tearing his eyes away and looking back at the drawing he was working on. It was a superhero, fighting a giant robot with laser eyes. A stupid, kid idea. _

_ “That looks really good, Mark.” _

_ He shrugged. _

_ “You could probably do it better.” _

_ Joanie shook her head. _

_ “No way. I can’t draw at all. I can barely draw a straight line.” _

_ Mark rolled his eyes. _

_ “Yeah, but you do everything better.” _

_ “Says who?” _

_ “Everyone! My teachers, mom and dad. Everyone says it. I always forget things and lose them and I’m just so -- so stupid!” _

_ “Well everyone is wrong. Because I think you are a very smart kid. But you and I are different, our brains work differently. I’m more organized, I need everything to fit into nice little boxes, but you, you live outside the box.” _

_ She ruffled his hair and looked at the mess around them. _

_ “We just need to find something that works for you, to help you remember. Does that sound good?” _

_ Mark nodded. _

_ Joanie pulled him against her side and Mark only faintly pretended to not like it. _

As soon as he saw the reflection in the changing room mirror, he knew he had fucked up. Because he hadn’t looked at the shirt, really looked at the shirt on the hanger. But it was the same color, the same goddamn faded blue that the AM used for patients.  _ Clients _ , he reminded himself, but it didn’t help. It didn’t help knowing that the AM called them clients now because his mind wasn’t in the  _ now _ . It was in the  _ then _ .

He couldn’t forget the  _ then. _

His legs and arms stopped listening to him and he felt himself collapsing against the thin wooden walls that separated the changing room stalls. He wrapped his arms around himself and tried to close his eyes, but every time he did, it was worse. Instead of seeing himself in a room surrounded by pale wood and metal hooks laden with clothes, he saw himself in a white room, devoid of any color except him, and the faded blue of his shirt and pants.

He was supposed to be  _ better  _ now. This was supposed to be over. It wasn’t supposed to cripple him like this anymore. 

Guess he was too fucked up to even be fucked up in the normal way.

“Mark? I found a pair of jeans that I think will fit you better.”

_ Shit. Shit, shit shitshitshitshit shit. Shit. _

He couldn’t let Joanie know. He couldn’t let her know he was still like this, that he wasn’t better, like he had promised. He couldn’t let her know that he couldn’t do something as simple as clothes shopping without having a complete mental breakdown.

“Mark? Are you okay?”

_ Fuck _ .

But he also had no way of saying he was fine. His voice wasn’t working and he couldn’t move his arms or legs and he couldn’t take his eyes off the haunted man in the mirror who was still fucking  _ trapped there. _

He could feel his breathing pick up and he tried to stop it, but the man in the mirror had no control over what happened to his body either.

“Shit, Mark.”

He heard her leave and then come back with a disgruntled sounding employee.

_ Why _ had she brought someone  _ else _ into this?

“Listen, ma’am I can’t open this for you-”

“I don’t care. Do it.”

“I-”

“Do. it.”

He heard the lock click and suddently Joan was there, looking him over, her hands fluttering about, not certain if she should touch or keep distance or what.

“Is he okay? Should I call-”

“That won’t be necessary. Thank you for your help, I can take it from here.”

The door closed and Joan sat beside him.

“Can you speak?”

This was  _ awful _ . So fucking humiliating. 

He managed to shake his head.

“Okay, that’s fine.”

He didn’t know how long it took for him to finally be able to stand up, remove the shirt from his back and put his own clothes back on.

He sat in the car and stared out the window as Joan pulled out of the parking lot. He felt her grab his hand from the center console and hold it in her own.

“It’s okay, Mark. We’ll figure it out.”

He looked over at her, saw her smile and gave her his own tight-lipped grin.

**Du warst allein zu Haus', hast mich vermisst**

**You were alone at home, missing me**

**Und dich gefragt, was du noch für mich bist**

**And asking yourself what you still are to me**

_ “You aren’t coming home for Thanksgiving?” _

_ “My friend Allen invited me to his house.” _

_ “Mark-” _

_ “Listen, Joanie, they don’t want to see me, they made that very obvious.” _

_ “But I want to see you.” _

_ “I- we go to school in the same city, Joanie. I see you all the time. We got coffee last week.” _

_ “It’s not the same as you being here.” _

_ “Joanie- I-” _

_ “I mean who is going to play Huggermugger with me? Mom and Dad don’t even know the rules.” _

_ Mark laughed, the sound coming out on its own. _

_ “Bring it back to Boston and we can play it on Sunday when you get home.” _

_ “I’ll hold you to it.” _

“Hey how was the flight?”

“Good,” Mark said, balancing the phone between his shoulder and his ear. “We just landed. Still have to go through customs and get our bags.”

“You have your passport?”

“Yeah, Joan. I have my passport.”

“Don’t forget to exchange your money.”

“Yeah-”

“But not a the airport. The rates are bad.”

“I kno-”

“But also make sure you do a little at the airport, just in case.”

“Joanie.”

“God, sorry Mark, you are an adult, you don’t need your older sister pestering you like thisBut you know, force of habit, I guess. I’ll just let you get back to it.”

**Zu Hause bist immer nur du** **  
** **Home is always only you** **  
** **Zu Hause bist immer nur du** **  
** **Home is always only you**

**Du hast mich abgeholt und hingebracht** **  
** **You picked me up and dropped me off**

_ “Stop squeezing those, you’ll bruise them.” _

_ Mark looked down at the three roses in his hand. The floral scent almost masked the stale odor of cigarette smoke in the car Joan had bought secondhand for her sixteenth a couple of months before. _

_ “No I won’t.” _

_ Joan didn’t look over towards him, instead keeping her eyes fixed on the road. Mark could tell she was nervous, just like he was, only about very different things. Joan was worried she would wreck her new car and then have to go back to taking the bus. _

_ Mark was worried about his reputation. _

_ “I wish I could go by myself.” _

_ “You are a long way off from being able to drive.” _

_ “Yeah but its wierd to have your sister drive you on your first date.” _

_ “Not when you have a really cool sister.” _

_ “But your car smells weird.” _

_ “That’s what the flowers are for. If she holds those, she won’t be able to smell the car.” _

_ “That’s her house there. Just-just don’t embarrass me okay?” _

Mark sat on the curb a couple blocks from the restaurant he and Sam decided to meet. He told her he was walking back to Joan’s house. To give him time to clear his head. Instead, he had gone a couple blocks before calling his sister to come and pick him up.

She pulled up and he almost imagines he’s a pre-teen again, getting picked up by his sister after a bad first date.

“How are you holding up?” she asked as he got into the passenger seat.

“Fine. Good, actually. We ended on really good terms. I think we both know that it wasn’t-it wasn’t healthy for both of us. But she seems like she’s happy and I know I’m in a better place now. Not perfect, but better.”

“Why did you want me to pick you up? Why not Oliver? He got his car back.”

“I was hoping we could-I don’t know, get Ben and Jerry’s and make fun of a shitty rom-com.”

Joan smiled at him.

“That sounds good.”

**Bist mitten in der Nacht wegen mir aufgewacht** **  
** **Woke up in the middle of the night because of me** **  
** **Ich hab in letzter Zeit so oft daran gedacht** **  
** **I have thought of it often recently**

_ Mark always went to Joanie’s room instead of his parents when he had a nightmare. She never kicked him out or told him it was too late, to go back to his own bed and get over it. His dad liked to do the bit where he pretended to check for monsters under the bed and in his closet, but that didn’t make a difference. Mark knew the dreams weren’t real, he just wanted to be comforted, to not be alone. _

_ Joanie always just rubbed her eyes, squinted at him and lifted her blankets so he could tuck in beside her. _

_ It started that he would just go to her when his nightmares were bad, but once he got a stomach bug and he couldn’t help but rush to the bathroom every hour and Joanie just got up and sat beside him, rubbing his back until he stopped and made him brush his teeth and drink a little water and then she sat with him in bed. _

_ Mark thought that might be why he never really got attached to stuffed animals. If he ever felt too small or lonely, Joanie was there. _

Mark woke in a cold sweat to an empty room in an unfamiliar house. He could see the alarm on the table, green numbers telling him that he hadn’t gotten nearly enough sleep.

The speed at which his heart was pounding in his chest and the way his hands shook told him he wasn’t about to get any more.

It wasn’t even a specific dream this time. No memory he could pinpoint as the culprit for this particular sleepless night. Just fucking dread whenever he closed his eyes.

Slowly, the fear numbed and allowed him to get a thought in edgewise that wasn’t just some form of the word  _ trapped _ on loop. He was at Joan’s new place. She had set up a room for him there, a guest room, but meant for just one guest.

Which meant that Joan was right next door, and he didn’t have to sit and suffer alone. He could cave into that childish need to curl up against his sister and let the sounds of her sleeping lull him into a sense of security.

But Jackson had been there that afternoon, hadn’t he? Mark couldn’t remember if he left after dinner or if he had stayed the night.

At least Mark had a simple way to test that. He held his hand in front of his face and moved it as quickly as he could.

Which was not very quickly at all. Just normal quickly.

So he climbed out of bed and made his way next door.

Joan mumbled his name groggily as he opened the door.

“Nightmare,” he said quietly.

She hummed and lifted the corner of her blanket so he could climb in beside her.

He didn’t cling to her, like he had as a child, but knowing that she was there, that if he reached out his arm, he would touch another human being comforted him.

Joan fell back to sleep and Mark lay there, listening.

Joan snored.

Not very much, but just enough to be there. Just enough to be a constant presence, remind him that she was there.

It was something he had forgotten.

**Wir waren in Prag, Paris und Wien in der Bretagne und Berlin** **  
** **We were in Prague, Paris, Vienna, in Brittany and Berlin** ****  
**Aber nicht in Kopenhagen** **  
** **But not in Copenhagen**

_ “I’m on a school trip, Joanie. A school trip to Washington DC. It’s not even that far.” _

_ “I know, but I’m just worried.” _

_ “You saw me get on the bus this morning.” _

_ “And it feels so long ago.” _

_ “Joanie-” _

_ “Okay, have fun on your trip.” _

_ “I’ll see you in a couple days.” _

“How is...Europe?”

“All of Europe? I don’t know.”

“Haven’t you three been everywhere in Europe at this point?”

“I mean we’re in France now, in Brittany. Just finished Paris, before that were the two German speaking cities, Vienna and Berlin. Oliver, am I missing any?”

“ _ Prague.” _

“Right, Prague. Very nice very Prague-ish. I don’t know what to tell you, they all start to blend together after a while.”

“ _ Sacrilegious.” _

“Are you certain that you haven’t visited all of Europe?”

“No, we have Copenhagen tomorrow. Not the most efficient itinerary, considering how close Copenhagen is to Berlin.”

“ _ Okay, Mark, next time you plan!” _

“But you all are enjoying yourselves?”

“Yeah, it’s really been great. Though to be quite honest, I’m nearly ready to come home.”

“Have you three figured out where that is yet?”

“I-not yet.”

“I see.”

“I have to go Joanie, but I love you.”

“Love you too Mark.”

**Zu Hause bist immer nur du**

**Home is always just you**

**Zu Hause bist immer noch du**

**Home is always just you**

**Ich hab keine Heimat, ich hab nur dich**

**I have no homeland, I have only you**

**Du bist zu Hause für immer und mich**

**You are home for me forever and always**

Joan put the chicken in the oven and set a timer. As she stared at the numbers, she tried not to think about how Mark would probably be landing in Seattle at the moment. That’s where they had chosen to live. It was closer to Alex’s family and Oliver had a sister who lived there.

The only problem was how far away it was from Joan.

She knew that she shouldn’t feel snubbed over it, that Mark was an adult who could make his own decisions, but it still hurt to think he would be that far away from her.

She tried to console herself.

At least he would be safe, and he promised to call her every week.

Maybe she could get some time off, plan a trip out there.

Her timer went off just as she heard the front door open and Jackson enter. He had said he was bringing someone for dinner, someone he knew from the AM. Joan assumed it was one of the other atypicals he had met in training. She was excited to meet someone else with a similar background, to pick their brain on where they felt the AM fell short.

“Dinner is almost ready!” she called.

“It smells amazing,” Jackson said, coming into the kitchen.

“Thanks,” Joan said, tilting her head up to press her lips to his lightly.

“Do I get a kiss too?”

She froze and turned to the doorway.

Standing there, in an awful “I heart Berlin” tshirt, with his hair overgrown and the shadow of a beard on his face, looking jetlagged as ever, was her baby brother. She was wrapped around him in a hug so quickly, one might have thought she was the one with super speed.

“Mark. I thought-I thought you guys decided to go to Seattle,” she said, leaning back just enough to give him space.

“Yeah, Oliver and Alex went ahead, but I-I thought I should probably come home first.”

Joan laughed, “This is a new apartment, you haven’t even seen it yet.”

Mark shook his head.

“No, you Joanie. You’re my home. You always have been.”


End file.
